Getting to Know You

To write believable dialogue you need to be a good listener.  Eavesdrop.  Notice how people really speak when they’re getting acquainted, and how it varies depending on the culture, income bracket, education, and age of the speaker.  This used to be easy—folks would chat on buses, while standing in line at the bank, just about anywhere.  But today people are texting or tuned in to their ear buds, and you hear conversations much less frequently.  It takes effort to find random snippets of dialogue.  Sometimes you’ll hear people visiting in a forced social gathering where it would be rude to pull out a cell phone or speakers, such as at a funeral, a bridal shower, or at a dinner party.  And, occasionally, you’ll discover folks who simply choose to be gregarious and get to know their seatmate on an airplane, or other shoppers in a market. 

            Watch how strangers get to know one another.  It usually involves one of two styles.  The first style is where people ask one another questions.  Where are you from, what do you do, how old are your children, how do you know the bride, have you ever vacationed here before, and so on.  We’ve all seen this and done this.  But the second style is the odd one I want you to observe.  It consists of people talking about themselves in a ping-pong style, asking no questions whatsoever.  Back and forth they carry on in this self-absorbed method of revealing themselves, unaware that they haven’t once expressed interest in the other person. Here’s an example of two women talking:

            “I love when it rains like this.”

            “Oh, not me.  I’m a sun girl.  Give me hot over cold anytime.”

            “Oh, I can’t stand the heat.  I love to wear sweaters and jackets.”

            “I was raised in Arizona.  I don’t think I owned a coat until I was 20.”

            “Oh my gosh.  I was an Army brat and moved all over the place.”

            “Not me.  I like a hometown where you can stay put.”

            “That would have driven me stir crazy.”

            Notice no one ever asks the other what kind of weather they like, or what kind of clothing, or whether they like moving.  But it’s offered up in “I” statements as a way of showing how they differ.  It could also reveal things they have in common:

            “This reminds me of Breakfast at Tiffany’s.”

            “Hey, me too—that’s one of my favorite movies.”

            “I just love Audrey Hepburn.”

            “Oh, I know, right?  She was the best.”

            From time to time you’ll hear people tell about their lives and opinions in a series of competing statements of one-upsmanship, even escalating into a quarrel:

            “These are the best mountains for skiing, hands down.”

            “Oh, but they’re nothing like the dry powder in Utah.”

            “I’ve skied there, and I think the Alps have the best snow.”

            “Well, I’ve skied all over the world, and I’m telling you the best snow on earth is in Utah.”

            Many people don’t really want to understand, so much as to be understood.  They want to argue their position, be right, and then sit back, self-satisfied.  Making friends is not as important as making their point.  They could go months without asking another soul a question that shows real caring or interest.  Is it a good way to get to know people?  Not really.  But it’s the only way some people roll.  And knowing this will make you a better writer.  Your characters won’t all speak the same way, but the way that’s consistent with who they are inside.  And if one of them is self-centered, this is probably the way he’ll respond when trapped in a conversation with someone entirely new.